The 2018 Vortex Games
Legally sound in terms of copyright.
Our legal team needs you to know that what we have just invented has absolutely nothing to do with the global summer athletics competition that takes place every four years. Nor does it have anything to do with its winter alternative. The working title of our new Birmingham-based comp never included any word beginning with 'O' and ending in 'lympics'. We really can't emphasise that enough. So, without further ado may we introduce The 2018 Vortex... Games. A nostalgic-slash-futuristic-
PAC-MAN AIR HOCKEY — Katy Drohan, deputy editor: "As I Choose Birminghamhas a grand total of two members of staff, I have to compete against my boss. No choice. So, do I: a) let him win or, b) play at my natural, full-throttle competitive best. I opt for 'b)' and we open The Vortex Games with Pac-Man air hockey, and my editor boldly announcing that he's "never lost at air hockey" in his life. I promptly thrash him at this chaotic, heart-pounding version of the old classic and he immediately starts reframing the story. Apparently, it's "not real air hockey" thanks to the multi-puck twist that drops midway through the game. He can claim that it's not real air hockey, and even keep his 100% air hockey record, but I'm 1-0 up in the Vortex Games and already starting to worry about my annual review."
BASKETBALL — Tom Cullen, editor: "I don't know what that was, but it definitely wasn't air hockey. No purist would call that air hockey. No bother, I drag Katy to the basketball nets talking trash like Wesley Snipes in White Men Can't Jump and set about sinking 20 baskets to her seven. Nothing but net, guys. Nothing but net." (1-1)
SPACE INVADERS: — Katy: "If there were points for enthusiasm, I'd be really deserving of them when it comes to Space Invaders. But this is an elite sporting contest, and Tom is better at destroying enemy spaceships than I am. He just is. And he's still saying 'nothing but net' to no one in particular — I need to up my game." (1-2)
LET'S BOUNCE — Katy: "This is one of the most cheerful and utterly moreish games we've ever played. Like something hauled from a Tokyo arcade hall, it dings and dongs at you as you lob 20 ping pong balls at 45 coloured tiles. Hit one and the tile will darken. As the ball bounces around wildly it can knock out a dozen lights or more at a time. But towards the end of your game, of course, it becomes all about precision, to hit the lights that remain lit. Charming, right? Unlike Tom's language when I won this one and levelled the scores." (2-2)
OMNI ARENA — Tom: "There's a countless choice of games on Vortex's Virtual Reality Omni Arena, but I simply asked for 'the game that would make me feel least sick.' The outcome was a one-on-one battle where you need to run (like, actual legwork!) around a virtual arena picking up futuristic weapons and blowing your opponent to kingdom-come. Crikey VR has come on a bit since I last played it. Zero motion sickness and it turns out I'm quite good with guns that haven't been invented yet. Katy, it turns out, is complete garbage and I tell her so. Because that's the kind of boss I am. 3-2 to me and I buy myself a celebratory milkshake."
MARIO KART — Tom: "I played a lot ofMario Kart as a kid and I see this as a real opportunity to put this little competition to bed. I opt safe on character selection (Toad) and dominate the race from start to finish. Well, start to almost finish. With Katy hot on my heels and armed with a red shell the photographer decides to explain how these shells work. Literally, with the finish line in sight, I am sent spinning and Katy pips me at the post. The photographer has worked his last day for the company and we have to go to a decider. I let Katy choose the game because I'm a caring boss." (3-3)
DOWN THE CLOWN — Katy: "Fun fact about Tom: he's genuinely, jump-inducingly scared of clowns. So when he did the gentlemanly thing and let me pick the final game, you might say it was pretty underhand of me to opt for one which consists of twelve clowns staring through your soul. Or you might say that Tom's motivation to knock them over, given his fear, would work to his advantage. Either way, the results of this particular round will forever stay between editor and deputy. Let's just say, I was quickly buying Tom cocktailsin an attempt to keep my job, and he doesn't like clowns even more now."
We have it on top authority that Vortex is growing — so probably join us for the even bigger comp that'll be taking place in 2019. Open til 8pm Sunday to Thursday, anduntil 10pm Saturdays. Load credit on to a Vortex Card once you get there.
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